The Seduction of a Married Man-Chemistry
What is it about a married man that is so irresistible?
Chemistry
It must be something because so many women fall for it. Just this week I encountered two women who have slipped into the trap of fatal attraction for a married man. It is risky territory and I do not recommend that anything go there. I speak from experience having invested part of my life in a relationship with a married man. Iam not writing about this branch to lecture or be judgmental or even to speak from my soapbox about what I know that you don't. My intention is to expose the underhanded tactics, even if unintentional, of men and the naiveté of women that permits these relationships to flower.
What is it about women that make them susceptible to the charm and attraction of an unavailable man?
The unavailable man is very appealing to women who do not want to be controlled by a man. He can contribute sporadic attention, sex, usually at regular intervals, right on advice even when you don't ask for it and gifts. You don't have to live with him,which means no snoring, picking up after him, and usually relaxation to comeand go as you please. The disadvantages contain limited spontaneity,lack of availability on weekends and holidays and never being his amount one priority.
This is not to say that men do not fall for married women. I am
certain that the statistics will preserve that almost as many particular men fall for married women but the dynamic between themis much distinct than that of the particular woman and the married man. Obviously, I have more experience with the married man syndrome.
Women in general are used to getting seconds.
What I mean by that is that women choose to resolve for less than
what they want. Okay, I expect outrage from most of you who are
reading this but hear me out, please. In this country, men have the power. Look around you, how many women president's do we have? How many in the Senate, Congress, Ceo's of Fortune 500 companies? How many women make as much money as men do? think teaching and nursing, two professions primarily busy by women, what ration of men are in the profession and what ration ofthose are in charge? How many men choose to stay home with thchildren while their wives work and preserve the family? You get the idea. Granted there are many more women in positions of authority, in medicine, the law, entrepreneurs,real estate, finance, enterprise than ever before, but if you are going to be honest with yourself, it's still a man's world. This is okay.
We can live with the fact that men run the world, because women run relationships.
Women, you in fact are in fee of relationship even if you don't know it. You just need to raise the bar a limited on what youexpect from your relationship. What I mean by women being used to settling is they don't ask. Let me give you an example. A woman friend of mine works for a big company; she uses her own computer and pays for her own Internet entrance even though the majority of her computer usage is for her work activities. She has asked the men who run the enterprise to be reimbursed for the cost of her computer andInternet entrance and has been denied. Her first inclination was to accept this, until she realized: How many men who use a computer in their job, use their own computer let alone pay for their Internet access? Men expect to be in case,granted with the tools that they need to do their job, women contribute their own tools and accept it when they are denied reimbursement. Where does this willingness to be used originate? I think that it originated when women first began to invade the workplace. Women weren't greeted with open arms when they first arrived in the workplace. In order to be accepted, they worked twice as hard, longer hours, tolerated abuse in many ways that a man never would and were eager to please, seeking approval and acceptance by over responding. (Actually, women were welcomed in the workplace while World War Ii but only because men weren't available. When the men returned, the women were imaginable to go back home where they belonged.)
Much of women's acceptance of second-class treatment is their own fault, because they don't even ask for it to be different.
Okay, I am a limited off the branch of married men, but let me
follow this through to the connection. Let's look at a wife. The
majority of wives work these days, they also are the original
childcare provider, and most of them do most of the housework and laundry and cooking and shopping as well. They are also imaginable by their husbands to be sexy and ready for a quickie at the drop of his pants. Women do all this because they put these standards on themselves. They still expect that they have to do more and do it good because they are women. So where does a woman cut back? usually it is in paying attention to her husband's original needs. A man needs sex and most married men will tell you that the amount of sex that they get dwindles after marriage and especially after children. In addition, the amount of time that a woman has to devote to the nurturing, acceptance, approval and attention to her husband decreases proportionately with the increasing of children, job responsibilities and a bigger house.
So this leads us to the plight of the married man.
Who is the married man? First of all he is a man. Men are results oriented. Men have a lot of testosterone. They aren't good at deciphering what women want, especially their own wives.The married man used to run his own life. He came and went as he pleased; he watched or played baseball whenever he wanted. He lived his own lifestyle. He could have his woman withhim whenever hewanted and she would pay all of her attention to him. Now he is marriedwith a combine of kids, a mortgage, a job he has because it pays themost, not because he loves it so much and a wife who used to cater to him exclusively who now has to divide her time between him, the kids, the house and usually her job. There was a industrial on Tv not too long ago that shows a man thinking about his studly particular days and how sexy he was in those days, with a child in a stroller. He is playing with his child and shopping in the grocery store and a woman is talking to her friend who comments he doesn't even know how much more appealing he is now than he was when he was a stud.
Men are pretty unconscious about what makes them attractive.
According to most women it is not their looks that make them
attractive, it is who they are and how they produce in the world. So this married man goes to work and comes home and goes back to work the next day. At work there is this woman. She is single, attractive, smart, capable, speaks his language andsomeone who has time to pay attention to him. It starts as an innocent flirtation. What goes through his mind is something like "Let's see if I still have it!" so he starts flirting just to see what happens. Not a surprise, she responds to the flirting by flirting back.
This is the starting of the affair.
In his mind he is flattered, it is fun, and appealing and just a
little bit naughty. What could be more harmless? I'm married.I'm
safe. I can just have a limited fun with this. So it continues.He
thinks he can just experiment a little. Let's see how charming and creative I can be. Let's see if I can get this woman to fall for me. In his mind it is not cheating. He hasn't done anything wrong. In the beginning, he even tells his wife about this woman. He tells her about how smart she is or about some accomplishment, usuallywhat made him observation her in the firstplace. Wives usually miss the first clues. The plan of the succeed of his harmless flirtation onthe particular woman does not even enter his consciousness. So the harmless flirtation continues. It makes the married man feel good. He is happier at home and all seems hunky dory. He tells the woman his wife doesn't understand him, she doesn't have time for him, or she just is cruel to him and the other woman becomes his confidant and starts to believe that he in fact has no option in the matter. He needs her because his wife is so ... Whatever.
He now has both a wife and family and a woman on the side.
Recognize that this process may take several years and several
different women before anything in fact happens in the way of an
affair. After several years of living a cut off life from his wife while they live under the same roof, a married man is ready for a real affair. The reality is that an affair will occur either it is an emotional or bodily affair or even a cyber affair. No matter which way it goes, what occurs takes away from the married relationship.
What is true about the woman who gets involved with a married man is that she is seeing for attention and affection.
Most likely she is not seeing for a married man with whom she is plotting to have an affair. There are a few predatory women out there who do just that but the majority of affairs start out
naively. She is likely to have been previously hurt in a
relationship. She may or may not know that the man is married. What occurs first is she recognizes that he is paying attention to her. He may just listen to her. It may just be a momentary encounter where their eyes meet and a relationship is made. They may be working together on a task and either of them may distinguishthemselves in some way. What initially happens is likely to be chemistry. What happens after that varies, however, it usually follows this pattern.
When the woman discovers that he is married, she will make it clear that she doesn't have relationships with married men.
That is the signal for the man to go into conquest mode.
He will pursue her maybe for years because he enjoys the chase. She will continue to refuse his advances as long as she cantolerate it or until he catches her at a weak and vulnerable moment. If she has a good relationship in her life, chances areshe can outlast him, but if she is single, available or married and unhappy, she will ultimately succumb. Why? Because the man is so charming, heis wonderful, he is a knight in shining armor, he is a hero, he is this fabulous dedicated family man who is fabulous with his children and attentive to his wife. So the woman asks herself what is she doing?
She continues to say no and the more she says no, the more
aggressive and charming and attentive he gets. This is the ultimate male challenge, to win over a woman who is saying no even though he knows she in fact is attracted to him.
A married man will work harder than any available man to make a
woman fall in love with him.
He will be more charming, loving, attentive and fabulous than a
woman can dream that any man can be. So what happens next is this woman who ultimately surrenders to her feelings for this man, asks him to leave his wife for her. The response from him will almost inevitably be one of two, but I'm married and I'll neverleave my wife or yes, I'll leave my wife, but not yet (she's not ready,my children are too young, I can't afford it yet, my mother won't approve etc.) Initially the woman will rejoinder with anger. "If you love your wife what are you doing with me?" Here is the clincher that ultimately hooks the woman, he is committed to his wife and the woman buys into his honorable dedication to his wife and thinks if only I could have a man who loves me like that.
It is at this point in their relationship that the woman's final act of settling may occur.
Either she will end it and go off to nurse her broken heart,
wondering how he could have been so fabulous and such a heel atthe same time, or she will continue the affair and resolve forbeing the other woman in his life. either way the woman is damaged. The man will go back to his wife who was either thoroughly unaware of the romantic drama or who also chooses to resolve by living in denial of his infidelity. Then life goes on.
The other woman plays a primary part in the perpetuation of this man's marriage.
She makes it tolerable for him to remain in an intolerable
situation. She makes it potential for him to remain in a marriage
that doesn't satisfy him. That marriage situation can range from
boredom to outright contempt, but a man won't leave his marriage
until his wife has dismissed him, either consciously or
unconsciously. She makes it potential for him to deny that there is anything missing in his relationship with his wife. Therefore, the wife wins, if you can call it winning to stay ina relationship with a cheating man.
The purpose in discussing this at all is to emphasize the fact that women resolve and men will cheat because they can. So, women, if you want your man to be faithful, you must pay attention and never resolve for less than what you want no matter what the cost.
The essence of marriage is commitment. Why get married if you are not willing to commit to loving man exclusively? The way that I see it, you don't have to get married to be together, so why do it if you don't mean it? I was married for 23 years and was strongly in favor of the plan of a renewable marriage license, similar tohow one renews a driver's license. The point of that beingthat at least very 3 or 4 years people who were married to each otherwould have to take a look at either they still wanted to be with their spouse. If people were honest about their feelings, it in fact would take a chunk out of the 50% disjunction rate.
On a more serious note, however, I in fact don't see any point in
getting married unless you are marrying man with whom youhave sexual chemistry that you love totally, that you trust implicitly, and that you would rather be with than anything else who alsofeels the same about you. That feeling of total trust isvery rare and itneeds to be nurtured. It's also good if you have similar values and goals in life. If and when you find man that meets all ofthe above standards, you probably couldn't dream wanting to bewith anything else. That spiritual bond can be so strong andso valid that it would be out of the realm of possibility to violate it.
It is impossible to ever have that kind of trust if you enter a
relationship that originated with man cheating.
So what happens to destroy that original bond? It is the woman'sjob to contribute the appetite for satisfaction and the direction for therelationship. This does not relieve men of any responsibility for it is their job to surrender to their woman's power and to produce results for her based on what she requests. So, in a relationship that is working the woman must continue to raise the bar for her man and believe in him. What does that mean? That she wants a bigger house, more expensive car, more children? Not necessarily although thosethings may be part of the picture. What it does mean is that she raises the standards of paying attention even when life is busy. It means that they make time for sex even when they don't have time. It meansthat each one of them stay vulnerable with each other even whenhe/she has done something that embarrasses them or is wrong.
In my marriage, I did it all wrong. I doubted his production,
thought I could do things good than him and lost my potential to
believe in him. When that happened, he quit producing for me and we spiraled downward into total mistrust of each other and
unwillingness to be vulnerable. I kept settling for less than what I asked for and he kept producing only what I believed he could produce. I just didn't know any better.
It's a brittle bond that must be protected and as far as I can see what will protect the bond of love is a woman expressing her
appetite that requests more than the man thinks he can produce and then even more vital is that she approves of him and believes in him until he produces it. The most primary element of maintaining a love relationship that works is that both parties must pay attention to each other and to what is happening in the relationship. Going to doubt or settling for less than what she wants is the starting of the destruction of the delicate equilibrium of the man/woman relationship. In this model of relationship, men and women are regarded as distinct entities with distinct needs. It relies on using the sex act as the metaphor for relationship, symbolizing men as producers and women as receivers.
There are no victims.
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